If You're Going to Get it Wrong
In the animal sob-film of the last century, Disney's Bambi, there was that immortal line said by a scolding Mother rabbit to Thumper her contrite son and playmate of the stumbling fawn Bambi: If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
Honourable sentiment but hardly up there with the Ten Commandments, the I
Ching, or How to Complete your BAS.
Sometimes, however, hearing about someone else's mess-up makes our own little journey on this planet seem not quite so confused or scary. And may offer an ironic laugh at the Things We Humans Do.
Cue Lieutenant-General (as in Lew-tenant General) Ronald Kadish, director of America's Ballistic Missile Defence Organisation.
As John O'Farrell reported in the London Guardian recently, dear Lew-tenant General Ronnie experienced his weekend from hell - big time.
L-G Ronnie, it seems, plays with big American toys that do big damage and the big shields that stop other big toys from entering his back yard. If you, like me, organise a block party when you upgrade from Windows 95 to Windows 97, you can imagine how excited L-G Ronnie and his missus were with his new addition to the US$122 billion missile defence system, the intercontinental missile defence shield.
He called all his mates over, including the Pres, for a show and tell. He put on the barbie, polished his medals, lined up the media, passed out stogies, and smiled a lot. The hushed moment came. A missile was fired from the middle of the Pacific 7500kms away, heading for L-G Ronnie's party. The new Minuteman II was fired from southern California to intercept the first one.
First snafu: one missile careering off target, heading who knows where at 25000 kph but certainly not on target. Target missile continues hurtling unchecked toward the President.
L-G Ronnie panic move number one: Frantic skimming through the manual, Care of Your Minuteman Missile System. We have all been there, done that. Useless waste of time.
Quick thinking from dutiful wife leads to L-G Ronnie panic move number two: Call the Helpline. Been there, done that.
"Thank you for calling the ICBM Helpline. If you wish to purchase other Minuteman systems, Press 1. If you are phoning about our direct debit payment plan, Press 2. If your intercontinental missile has malfunctioned and is hurtling toward southern California, Press 3 and hold for an operator."
The inevitable happened. To the tinny background strains of Ravel's Bolero, the US$100 bn missile was blown to smithereens. Not exactly the Perth Skyshow, but enough fireworks to rate a few ahhhs. Then embarrassed silence. The President was not pleased.
Shades of the Gulf War, where Patriot missiles were officially declared a huge success because they "intercepted" 21 of the 22 incoming Scud missiles. But after CNN showed many Scuds coming through, the Pentagon explained: "intercept" means the missiles' paths cross, but not necessarily at the same time. Intercept may mean missed.
This is when we need to remember Thumper's lesson. Best to laugh.
Business News 27 July 2000
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